Real Connections with Others Take Real Effort (Part 3 in the "Normal Is Moving" Series)

NEW! Now you can listen to the author reading this essay HERE: Listen to the Scrawling Shepherd read this essay


I've mentioned this before to those who know me, or who have read other things I've written: I am in introvert by nature. Talking to "strangers", to new people I'm just meeting, or even to acquaintances does not come easy to me. I do it, because I know that it's important. It is just always an effort to me to do it. I comes with a cost. I have to spend emotional capital, resources, to engage in conversation.

For me, this is especially true with "chit-chat," with "small talk", with conversation just about anything at all. Filler. That's how I see it. Something to fill the silences, the pauses. Some people seem to need it, or at least, to want it. Not me. I'm comfortable with silence. It's a part of who I am, my personality.  Carrying on this kind of conversation, for me, does not come naturally or easily. I can do it, but it is often awkward and feels, at least to me, like maybe I'm "trying too hard." I really don't know if the other person notices my discomfort or feels my awkwardness. If so, they don't say anything about it. Maybe they just politely continue on, while thinking "what's wrong with this poor guy? Is he daft?"

Well, enough about that. Here's the point I'm trying to build up to: really connecting with others requires real effort. Right now, almost EVERY interaction I have with ANYBODY and EVERYBODY is taking place in a telephone call, an email, a text message, or especially, a Zoom videoconference call or meeting. I'll talk about the Zoom meeting in particular. The Zoom call is planned, scheduled, arranged, set up, hosted. It can be recorded. There are steps to take to set up a call. There are steps to be taken to accept an invitation to join a call. There is protocol to follow while in (on?) the call. For most of us this is quite new. I know that Skype and Facetime and some others have been around for awhile now, but I've never been much of a fan of them. Doesn't matter. Right now, this is how we are connecting with one another.

As a teacher, I'm using Google Hangouts Meet, which is yet another video conferencing "app". We're using Meet because it's part of the Google Suite of software applications our school is using for creating, storing, sharing, and distributing data and content relating our our educational objectives. (That sounds like propaganda as I read it back. It is, unfortunately, exactly the way my mind sees it. Poor me.) I (and my colleagues with me) are using this application to conduct live teaching sessions engaging with our students "face to face" in real time. They see and hear me, along with whatever content on my computer that I choose to share with them. I see and hear them (although it's amusing to me how many of my students want to leave their cameras and microphones turned off. Turns out that at least one student uses that ploy to sign into class on his computer and then walk away. But that's a matter for a different forum entirely.)

Using video conferencing to teach, or to conduct a board meeting, a church leaders meeting, a home group Bible study meeting are all things I've done with frequency in the last two weeks. You're probably familiar with what I'm talking about, and perhaps you're using these tools even more often than I do. They all require some degree of intentional effort to make the connection happen. That brings me, finally, to the point of this post. I've been giving some deliberate thought to the way I connect with people. (Reference my previous post in the series called "Closing the Distance" --click on that title to follow the link to the article.)

Making and maintaining relationships with others requires deliberate effort on your part. Sometimes the effort seems light, and the joy you find in the relationship makes you overlook, or even forget, that you're spending effort to participate in that relationship. My marriage to Kelly is a great example. Unlike me, Kelly is extroverted by nature. She wants to connect and engage with people; she craves it, and she's very, very good at it. To me as an observer, it seems effortless to her. I sometimes watch ice skating on television. The really, really accomplished skaters make it look so easy, so natural, to graceful, so effortless. And then I remember me on ice skates on a frozen lake, or most recently, an indoor ice arena. That is how I imagine the relative ease of making and maintaining relationships for a person like Kelly as compared to the same tasks for a person like me.

The bottom line in this, for me, is the "want to." I am aware now, more than ever, that connecting with people requires deliberate effort. And I can do it, if I really want to. And right now, I do. (Really want to, that is.)

Normal Is Moving. And I'm coming with it, whatever it is, and wherever it ends up. See you there!


(Personal note to "Unknown." If you are not "Unknown" please stop reading now. Thanks.
Dear Unknown:

Thanks for your encouraging comments on some of the blog articles you've read. I appreciate you wanting to keep your name private and unpublished. I respect that. Just between you and me, though, I'm curious about your identity. I am uncertain if you are someone I know personally, a family member or friend, or someone I know casually or professionally, or possibly someone I've never met in person. If you're willing to let me know, privately, who you are, I would very much appreciate it, and I promise not to reveal your true identity to the others who might read my blog. I believe that there is a way to contact me directly somewhere in this blog, but if you can't find it, post in an anonymous comment how to reach you, or tell me to need to know how to reach me. Thanks so much!

And if you are not "Unknown" and you are still reading this: not cool, man.